New perspective

Well, over this last month I have slowly...well, maybe faster than I am willing to admit, I have slipped back into old habits. Do I really want to use the excuse that I am buying a new house and have TONS to do? Yes, but it doesn't do any good. Either way you look at it: I do not like what I see. I do not like what I am doing. What I wanted to share is something that I was looking for. My motivation to keep going after I hit speed bumps of any kind hits the skids and I start going down after that. I can go on a walk and get sweaty and that is enough to send me back inside - how pathetic!!! 

What I just learned does not need a huge speech. I saw a saying that said that motivation starts AFTER you get going!!! WAIT! I thought that motivation is what GOT you going!!! But, it makes so much sense!! You have to take the first step and get going!! Nothing is going to get me going but me! THAT action will get me more motivated and it becomes a POSITIVE cycle! All I have taught myself is to give in to the pain and stay put. I have not learned what it takes to get myself going. 

So, with that, I am going to make some goals. I don't know what they are yet, and honestly, I am going to wait until we move. However, I have found a friend online that has just lost quite a bit of weight and she has just walked the steps I need to take. She has been very inspiring to me. Just pray for me. Pray that I can learn to motivate myself - something I know nothing about. 

I'm a runner!!!

Today I found out that I am a runner! I can hardly believe it! I never knew how good I was until sitting...wait...hold for it...yes, sitting in the church pew tonight. Dad warned us at CR tonight that something could change our lives forever if we let it. We have all heard those challenges before, but I didn't expect for the first words out of his mouth to catch my spirit so powerfully that I couldn't quite focus after that. Dad just merely mentioned that many people here tonight were chasing after freedom. There you have it - I am a good RUNNER!! I can see that for so long I have been chasing after an addiction. I haven't allowed myself to be pliable to God's transformation in my life! Dad said we need to be soft. I guess you can follow where my first thought went: I AM SOFT. Okay...I know that's not what he meant. Picture this: I am fiercely chasing the freedom from this weight. All I can see when I think of that is a rabbit chasing a carrot. Not watching where I'm going...trying anything that may work. To some that may be good. Not for me. I am single-minded in my mission to get thinner without having to make drastic changes. Smooth out the rough edges a little? That's like asking a drug addict to slow down a little!! Maybe just go to prescription pills and lay off of the cocaine! I know that each of you have seen me make changes...good ones, too! However, I think the ones that will get me over the top? Well...I have fought hard to keep those and see if I will still lose weight. Example? Sure...got some! I have done as little exercise as possible to see what I can get away with. Food? I know that I have given in and eaten when I know that I could have chosen something better. Believe me, I am NOT being too hard on myself. 

So, I guess what was laid in front of me tonight is an option: what am I going to chase after now? It scares me to death, because I think what I am really giving up is control. Well, tonight I grabbed a blue chip. It started out that I am releasing fear again. I felt that one creeping up and I wanted to nip that in the butt. Then, it dawned on me that I also needed to give up control...and anger. I do have to admit that I am so ticked off that I can't eat whatever I want! 

Anyway, I feel like this is just a jumble of emotions and words that I am not sure makes any sense to you. It makes complete sense in my heart and soul. So, tomorrow I will journey to WW and see where I am. I do not want to finish this as I am still contemplating and chewing on what I heard...

"...The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want (for anything else besides my Lord)..."

Laying my burdens down...

Well, it's been too long again and I can't say it's because I couldn't log on this time! God has been working in me in such a good way, but I have been struggling with my weight more than I have cared to admit. Recently I noticed that I am putting expectations on people that they weren't asking for. I'm laying that down. I'll elaborate...

Last Friday, while sitting in Celebrate Recovery, I was so dumbfounded by what I was hearing that I couldn't even write down the amazing things that were said. I have heard them a million times, but as I have found, God really needed me to hear them and I heard them in a new way.

First, and most important, was 3 John 1:4: "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." God sweetly whispered in my soul that I was not listening to His truth - I was listening to my fears. In the same moments I felt elation that maybe I could finally get this, and sadness that in a very important way I had grieved our Lord.

Second, came as I was pondering those thoughts and Brandon was talking about expectations. It dawned on me the expectations I had on my girls. The expectation to be well and healthy - they can't control that!!! (Yes, yes I know - to an extent they can...more than that, tho.) Here is the difference - ready? My joy was held in the expectation that my girls were healthy and well - NOT IN THE LORD!!! Our joy is supposed to be in the Lord - regardless of anything else going on in our lives!!! So, I still am figuring this all out - but, I see it now. I have to somehow seperate my emotions and joy in the Lord with everything else in my life.

Finally, the expectations I believe people have of me. This is one area that I know I have to work on with each of you. While I have been doing very well on most of my areas in losing weight, I still struggle with being completely open because I have put the expectation ON MYSELF that if I struggle or fail, then I am letting you down. I didn't see that. I have to step back and remind myself that I am not responsible for your struggles in my weight loss. I know that sounds so silly. However, as a people pleaser and oldest, I allow those things to influence me way too much!!

So, here is the truth, and may God help you handle it! ;o) I have not been working out consistently or well at all. I start, do well, then choose something else as another priority. This morning, however, I did very well. This is a new day and His mercies are new every morning!!! I have learned what is a good and healthy portion, however, I am not tracking like I should be - who am I kidding - I do good to track. That is going to change, too. I can see that trying to remember my points just doesn't cut it. I still struggle HUGE with wanting to eat foods that I know I shouldn't...can't...for right now.

Mom, I want to apologize to you most of all. I have pulled back from weight watchers meetings and I see it now. I am facing the truth by going, but that's just not good enough. You have been such an amazing cheerleader for me and I just feel that I have been half-assing it and not admiting it. (Sorry - can I say that??)

So, family, please continue those precious prayers! We all hope that our journeys through the hard times are filled with short cuts and brief journeys. However, I am finding that this one is making me face more than I wanted! I am not going to ask you all to hold me accountable right now. I think that it is so important that I learn to...what's our saying..."SUCK IT UP" and hold myself accountable for the first time in my life! I am going to add my sponsor to this list so that she can see this, too. If you feel that I was a bit harsh in this, please know it was toward me. It is so hard to finally see things in yourself, and hardest to admit them to others. So, know that all frustration is truly pointed at me. You all are such a blessing to me and I love you!!

Good grief - when I flipping lose this weight, THERE WILL BE A PARTY, K??? ;o)

I see a turn in the road...

So, I see now that I cannot force my old favorites into Weight Watchers...it just doesn't work. I know now that I have to make a choice. I know what I want, but have to constantly ask God for strength to follow through on those choices.

These last few days have been full of noticing that the things that I love to eat cannot work for me right now. I know this sounds silly, but I feel like I am saying goodbye to an old friend. I have run to food for so many years for comfort. I know that I am ready to go beyond that, but am daily facing what that truly means.

So, I do choose to run to God instead of food. That is easy to say right now. I am learning that I will have to plan everything right now. I see that I am going to have to give up so much food. At some point I will have the self-control and correct portion size to go back. However, I will have to draw some pretty tight boudaries for me.

You all know me well...sometimes better than me! So, you know that I was not the first one in line for discipline and organization! However, I am back in line and have asked God for a double portion, please!

I just saw one of my friends that just recently finished a triathalon. I know it sounds goofy, but I would give anything to finish a race! I look forward to this year and finally crossing a finish line. I know it will mean facing a lot of pain, but as my friend Nikki puts it, "Suck it up and run!"

Sucking it up,
Steph

It's a new day!

Well, I really started this past Wednesday, but somehow my post didn't get saved. Anyway, what I wrote about the most was that I have come to the realization that I am going to have to face this pain. By avoiding pain I have caused more pain. I have caused my family and husband so much concern, and I'm not sure if I can change that. I can change what is ahead, however, and I am ready...terrified...but, ready.

So, in order to face that pain, I am trying to be aware of things that I avoid: EXERCISE!!! This morning I was up at 5:00 am - on the toilet begging God to give me an excuse not to go. What did he do? He reminded me of the mountains. I hit my bottom on the mountains...spiritually, emotionally and physically, I hit my bottom! I found myself having to empty myself of ME...that wasn't hard. I was embarrassed and humiliated. My dad had to see that I hadn't shaved in way too long...ewww! (When Sean's not around and it's winter? Come on girls...give me some grace here!) Anyway, I finally was able to face a few things. 1) My weight had affected my family. I excused myself that it was only affecting me. 2) The very thing I was avoiding was now causing me more pain. 3) I now felt a calling from God...maybe a yearning in my soul, that it was time.

So, here it is. I am tracking this so that I will never forget. I never want to forget this pain and any minute that I had struggling my way back. Please pray for me. I am going to screw up, and as mom saw this morning, I am going to have an attitude. I did go this morning. I was exhausted, but I went. I worked out with mom and went home feeling nauseated and satisfied that I had worked out! I am still tired, but I know that will change. That is part of working through the pain that is as much emotional as it is physical.

All my love,
Stephanie