Well, I really started this past Wednesday, but somehow my post didn't get saved. Anyway, what I wrote about the most was that I have come to the realization that I am going to have to face this pain. By avoiding pain I have caused more pain. I have caused my family and husband so much concern, and I'm not sure if I can change that. I can change what is ahead, however, and I am ready...terrified...but, ready.
So, in order to face that pain, I am trying to be aware of things that I avoid: EXERCISE!!! This morning I was up at 5:00 am - on the toilet begging God to give me an excuse not to go. What did he do? He reminded me of the mountains. I hit my bottom on the mountains...spiritually, emotionally and physically, I hit my bottom! I found myself having to empty myself of ME...that wasn't hard. I was embarrassed and humiliated. My dad had to see that I hadn't shaved in way too long...ewww! (When Sean's not around and it's winter? Come on girls...give me some grace here!) Anyway, I finally was able to face a few things. 1) My weight had affected my family. I excused myself that it was only affecting me. 2) The very thing I was avoiding was now causing me more pain. 3) I now felt a calling from God...maybe a yearning in my soul, that it was time.
So, here it is. I am tracking this so that I will never forget. I never want to forget this pain and any minute that I had struggling my way back. Please pray for me. I am going to screw up, and as mom saw this morning, I am going to have an attitude. I did go this morning. I was exhausted, but I went. I worked out with mom and went home feeling nauseated and satisfied that I had worked out! I am still tired, but I know that will change. That is part of working through the pain that is as much emotional as it is physical.
All my love,
Stephanie
