Today I found out that I am a runner! I can hardly believe it! I never knew how good I was until sitting...wait...hold for it...yes,
sitting in the church pew tonight. Dad warned us at CR tonight that something could change our lives forever if we let it. We have all heard those challenges before, but I didn't expect for the first words out of his mouth to catch my spirit so powerfully that I couldn't quite focus after that. Dad just merely mentioned that many people here tonight were chasing after freedom. There you have it - I am a good RUNNER!! I can see that for so long I have been chasing after an addiction. I haven't allowed myself to be pliable to God's transformation in my life! Dad said we need to be soft. I guess you can follow where my first thought went: I AM SOFT. Okay...I know that's not what he meant. Picture this: I am fiercely chasing the freedom from this weight. All I can see when I think of that is a rabbit chasing a carrot. Not watching where I'm going...trying anything that may work. To some that may be good. Not for me. I am single-minded in my mission to get thinner without having to make drastic changes. Smooth out the rough edges a little? That's like asking a drug addict to slow down a little!! Maybe just go to prescription pills and lay off of the cocaine! I know that each of you have seen me make changes...good ones, too! However, I think the ones that will get me over the top? Well...I have fought hard to keep those and see if I will still lose weight. Example? Sure...got some! I have done as little exercise as possible to see what I can get away with. Food? I know that I have given in and eaten when I know that I could have chosen something better. Believe me, I am NOT being too hard on myself.
So, I guess what was laid in front of me tonight is an option: what am I going to chase after now? It scares me to death, because I think what I am really giving up is control. Well, tonight I grabbed a blue chip. It started out that I am releasing fear again. I felt that one creeping up and I wanted to nip that in the butt. Then, it dawned on me that I also needed to give up control...and anger. I do have to admit that I am so ticked off that I can't eat whatever I want!
Anyway, I feel like this is just a jumble of emotions and words that I am not sure makes any sense to you. It makes complete sense in my heart and soul. So, tomorrow I will journey to WW and see where I am. I do not want to finish this as I am still contemplating and chewing on what I heard...
"...The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want (for anything else besides my Lord)..."
